Jane and Sophie are roommates and the best of friends. They are both in Sophie’s room; Jane is reading a book wile Sophie is rummaging through her closet.
Sophie: I’m not sure what to do, what do you think?
Jane: Do about what?
Sophie: My Date Tonight! Weren’t You Listening To Me?!
Jane: I don’t know, why do you bother with that anyways? He’s just a stupid boy.
Sophie: Have You Lost Your Mind!
Jane: *shrugs*
Sophie: He Is Not Just Some Stupid Boy; He Is The Star Quarterback For The Longhorns!
Jane: Ok, whatever.
Sophie: Anyways, So what should I do about my hair? Do you think it would be too much to put it up? And what about my clothes is a sun dress too much? Should I wear a more casual outfit? Or maybe I should wear something more formal? Oh I just don’t know. What do you think?
Without saying a word Jane gets up and leaves to go to her room to finish reading her book.
Sophie: Some help you are!
Sophie picks up her cell phone and calls her mom. Sophie’s mom is the best and always knows what to do.
Mom: Hello?
Sophie: Hey mom, so I have a major problem, I have no idea what to wear or how to do my makeup or my hair. Help?!
Mom: Well why don’t you tell me where you are going, that might help me understand better what you need.
Sophie: Did I Not Tell You!? I Have A Date With Josh Alan! The Star Quarterback For The Texas Longhorns!!!
Mom: Oh Sophie! That is exciting. Do you have any idea were he is taking you?
Sophie: He is taking me to dinner and a movie. Oh Mom I’m Just So Ridiculously Excited I Don’t Know What Too Do!
Mom: Well where is Jane? Couldn’t she help you with all of this?
Sophie: Jane’s in her room immersed in some book. She’s been acting really weird lately, I feel like I don’t even know her anymore. She doesn’t seem to care about anything she used too.
Mom: Have you tried talking to her?
Sophie: No, not yet. I just don’t know what to say. I mean if something is really bothering her I feel like she would tell me. I mean were best friends. Why wouldn’t she tell me?
Mom: Well maybe she is embarrassed or scared. You really should try talking to her. Well honey I have to go start making dinner but before I go, you should wear those cute black jeans with the embroidered sides, that sapphire dress shirt that makes your eyes look so beautiful and the sapphire ballet flats. Also, keep your hair down and curly and don’t wear too much makeup. I love you dear, have fun on your date and remember what I said about Jane. Good Bye.
Sophie: Good bye mom, I love you too.
Sophie put down her cell phone, sat on her bed and looked over at her desk. On her bulletin bored what a collage of pictures that Jane had made her of the two of them a couple years ago. It was hard for Sophie to believe that they had met each other only two years ago, it seemed as though they had known each other for there entire lives. She could only think of one word to describe it, Soul Mates. Sophie picked up her phone yup again and dialed Josh’s number.
Josh: Hey Soph, what’s up?
Sophie: Hey Josh, I was wondering, would it be ok with you if we moved our date to tomorrow night. I need some girl time with my roommate. Is that ok?
Josh: Yea, sure, I understand. See you tomorrow then, seven p.m.?
Sophie: Definitely
Josh: Aight Soph, cya then!
Sophie: Thanks again Josh. Bye!
Josh: Bye.
Sophie put her cell phone down on her bed, threw on her favorite wholly jeans, a t-shirt, tied her hair back in a pony tale, and grabbed her comforter. She walked out into the living room and toward Jane’s room.
Sophie: Hey.
Jane: *looked up and smiled* What happened with your date fiasco?
Sophie: Meh, that can wait. *goes to sit by Jane on her bed* Are you ok?
Jane: *an extreme sadness comes over Jane, as she leans into Sophie’s lamp, she starts to cry*
Sophie: What’s wrong Jany? *stroking Jane’s hair*
Jane: A couple months ago my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. When she told me I felt like everything in the world was coming to the end and that trivial things didn’t matter all that much anymore.
Sophie: Oh god, Jany. Why didn’t you tell me?
Jane: I don’t know. I was just so upset when I heard; I just wanted to believe it wasn’t true. I’m sorry I didn’t tall you.
Sophie: I’m sorry too, you just seemed so down and I didn’t even take a moment to ask you why. You’re my best friend and I’ll always be here for you. Forgive me?
Jane: Only if you forgive me first.
Sophie: Deal.
Sophie and Jane hugged and then went into there living room to watch there favorite TV show Americas Next Top Model and pig out together, Friends Forever.
I liked the way the story began with a trivial problem and spiraled into a more serious one. The story moved a little fast after Jane explained to Sophie that her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I expected a little more venting and crying from both Sophie and Jane. I like the story as a whole.
ReplyDeleteKate,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your dialogue and really like the idea of it. I agree with LyTer that it moved a little fast once Sophie confronted Jane... Maybe draw that convo out and have more dialogue before Jane actually explains what happened. If she has been reluctant to tell Sophie in the first place, I feel like she wouldn't have shared the story so quickly. Also, I think a little more questioning from Josh might be appropriate. I expected him to at least ask a question or two about why Sophie couldn't go out... But I mean if he's just that easy going then that's cool too. Oh and I like the whole "moms know best" thing but she has some really great advice for an issue that she hasn't really heard too much about... Maybe draw that convo out a little more as well. Good job so far!
Like the story. I think it could use some "filler" or middle ground so as to gain a bit of a climb until you hit the climax of the story. You could start by adding an intro, beginning in media res and shuffling back throughout the story for an interesting plot line of dialogue, or just adding middle text so as to reach the climax and resolution slower, giving the reader a bit more time to take in what is happening, who the characters are etc. The story definitely is appealing to college girls, students, friends as the two are room-mates and best friends. Good job!
ReplyDeleteMargaret Fleming
I was a little confused of why you jumped into this problem so fast. I just felt like Jane was just annoyed by her talkative room mate. Maybe you could put a bit more detail into Jane ignoring Sophie. Why would she keep something like this from her best friend? that didn't make sense to me- give more reasoning for that.
ReplyDeleteHello, Kate Wilson!
ReplyDeleteI like the light-heartedness of your piece in the beginning and the interaction between Sophie and her mother.
I might not say 'sophie's mom is the best and always knows what to do'. Rather, I would let Sophie say this.
I also might add a little bit more after Jane explains her point of view - you spent a lot of time on the trivial problem in the piece, but not so much time on the more important problem.
As a last thought, be sure to be clear as to whether or not this is a script or a scene: You mix elements of both so it is somewhat confusing (albeit a nice new style).
Again, this is a really nice piece :)
Thank you for sharing.